Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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