He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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