12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I love you. Go after that dick
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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