I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
