I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
