im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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