After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we're making bets on your personal life
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
