She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
In America we eat man semen.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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