Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
that may or may not have been my penis.
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