Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
