if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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