I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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