Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
