It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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