Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
