Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
