He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
