Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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