how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
