My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
worst night to have a conscience
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Terrible idea I love it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
