I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
