dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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