Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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