he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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