Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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