I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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