What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
