He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
