Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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