I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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