Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
