I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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