Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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