I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
