seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
