Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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