I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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