I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
