I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
