there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I need water and some morals
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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