New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
