I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
