I hate your face
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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