Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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