I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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