when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
