I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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