What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
