Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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