Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
