I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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