I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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